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Cat O'Nine Tails Conversation on Page 166-171

"Hello, shipmate," I said casually.

He [Syd] flinched and turned away.

"Syd, please!" I whispered, glancing over my shoulder. "I can't bear this. I need you to talk to me."

Syd stopped, his back still turned, shoulders hunched.

"You're my oldest friend; I can't cope with...with all this if you give up on me."

Syd swung around, his face aghast. "I'm not givin' up on you, Cat! I'd never do that! It's me; I'm the problem."

"No, you're not. You are the kindest, bravest, most loyal friend a...person could want."

He shook his head. "No, I'm an idiot, not fit for...for any of you. Cat, you warned me about my manager and did I listen? Nah, I thought I knew it all. If I'd 'ad more brains, if I'd been as clever as you, I wouldn't be 'ere; you wouldn't be in this fix. It's all my fault."

"No, Syd, if anyone's to blame for what happened to you it's Mick Bailey. Your only mistake was to think the best of people."

He gave a derisive laugh. "Yeah, as I said, I was a fool. I dunno, Cat, I've always thought my first duty was to look after you, and what did I go and do? I punched you. I really 'urt you, not in play, but in anger. I can't trust myself; you should keep away from me."

"Listen, Syd: I made you hit me. You know that I can make you angry; in fact, I'm surprised you've not clouted me before now. you've been a saint to put up with me for all these years."

Syd leaned his elbows on the rail, staring out at the children on the shore. We'd fished like that once upon a time on the Thames, me trailing after Syd with my line and bent pin, trying to keep up with him and the boys. We'd mudlarked together on the smelly margins of the great river of London, hoping for gold but finding only shiny pebbles and the odd copper. Here in the Bermudan sunshine, I stood as close to him as I could, our arms touching. No one saw him take my hand in his big fist.

"I'm sorry, Cat. There's no excuse for me. I'm not worthy of you."

"You are worth a hundred of me, Syd Fletcher, so never let me hear you say that again!" I felt like crying because I'd made him feel so bad, but I refused to give way to tears: that would not help either of us. "I didn't mean any of what I said."

"And did you...I mean...'ave you and Shepherd...?"

I sighed. "Yes. He kissed me once at a ball in Bath. I suppose I should've seen it coming, but I didn't."

"Does 'e...'as 'e asked you to marry 'im?" Syd asked delicately.

"Are you mad?" I felt a tear escape as I gave a hollow laugh. I rubbed it away. "He's marrying a beer princess. I'm just an amusement for him."

Syd seemed confused by the contradictory signals of a tear and laughter. "But you're upset. Does that mean you'd like 'im to ask you?" I could see that Syd was exerting great self-control. All he really wanted to do to Billy Shepherd was thump him, not inquire into his marital prospects.

"Syd!" I protested. "Billy and I would be as well matched as a fish with a pair of boots."

"But 'e's rich, powerful now too. 'E's always liked you, you know, even when we were all runnin' around Covent Garden together as nippers."

"Oh yes, I remember how he liked me. He used to pull my hair, steal my toys, and trip me over. I imagine being married to him would be very much like that."

Syd exhaled slowly and allowed himself a relieve smile. "Good. I just had to check that..." He faltered.

"Check what?"

"That I still stood a chance. If I waited, that is. Look, Cat, I know you're too young and now I've got to earn back the right to even think it. And I know you don't know your own 'eart yet, and all, but I know mine. I'll wait until you're ready. Five years. Ten years if that's what it takes."

Dear Syd. Here we were all at sea, me with a death sentence hanging over my head and him trapped in the navy, and he was still planning our future together.

I didn't know how to respond. "Thank you, Syd," I murmured. "You're right: I don't know my own heart yet." I gave him a half-smile. "But I do know that I wouldn't make anyone a very good wife right now."

Syd shook his head, ignoring my ridiculous appearance and gazing only at my face. "No, Cat, you'd be the best."